Tough Love for Therapists
This post originally appeared on my Substack Publication, the Anti Work Love Letters.
There are a lot of things I needed to hear when I was starting in this career.
Lots of kind and supportive things—the types of things a mama bear would say to protect her littles against the bullies of the world.
There are also a lot of things that I needed to hear that would have been tough, but necessary. Things that would make me feel called out on my bullshit—where I would have to take a step back and actually examine WTF it was that I was doing.
Things that would help me feel more confident and secure in my early career, even if it was really fuckin’ hard (which parts of it were—they really were).
There were times (and still are times) where I needed those messages because I was completely absorbed in the world of therapy and mental health, consumed by my own burnout, or wrapped up in the obsessive learning process that seeped out into the rest of my life. I had a myopic view of the world and honestly, I needed someone to call me out—with love, but also with honesty.
If you’re in the space for a little tough love, I will offer some here. Take what you need and leave the rest:
You’re not perfect and you can’t achieve perfection. Especially in this career. If you make this part of your schooling or your practice, you will miss so much and it will become harder and harder to both get away from work when you need to, and to enjoy it while you’re there. Just take a breath and know that mistakes will happen. Yes, mistakes will happen to—and because of—you. It’s okay. We can withstand making mistakes, and we can repair most ruptures that occur when mistakes happen. Being mean to yourself or expecting unrealistic things isn’t going to help in this process.
Being mad about the thing (your job, your homework, your caseload, licensing hours, imposter syndrome, etc) being unfair, difficult, or challenging doesn’t change the fact that it’s unfair, difficult, or challenging. I get it. I have been mad—a lot. About a lot of things. The energy from anger is important. But it’s also important to recognize the the energy needs to move and make room for shifts, as well.
Taking one single step toward progress is often better than deciding it’s too overwhelming or too burdensome to try and giving up. The best way I’ve found to do this, myself, is to literally take it one single step at a time. Break it down into teeny tiny steps. The smallest you can, to start. Take one step. Then the next. Don’t focus on the step that is a mile down the road. Focus on what is in front of you. Doing this, you will meet and surpass the one-mile mark in due time.
We are not above or better than the skills and techniques that we teach our clients to use. Don’t go walking around believing that they don’t apply to you, because they do. You deserve the self-kindness, the flexibility, and the gentle thought challenging you provide your clients.
Honor the anger, fear, or doubt inside of you, but don’t use it as an excuse to not do anything at all. When you allow anger, fear, or doubt to dictate your choices, your world gets small. And a small world feels increasingly hopeless. The last thing we want is to feel hopeless.
Don’t let the person who stops you be you.
Literally no one and nothing is going to hand you your success, your financial security, your sense of confidence, or your professional autonomy. You need to make it and take it for yourself. There will be many, many situations where there are roadblocks and barriers put into place by other people, systems, and "this is how we’ve always done it” attitudes. These things exist, and you will probably encounter them. Please, don’t use it as an reason to not try to better your situation—even if bettering your situation comes with uncomfortable change.
Don’t over-complicate things. Take it simple, take it slow. Do one thing at a time. Take the next best step—only one. Breathe.
The vast majority of trainings advertised on Instagram and Facebook and PESI won’t magically and radically change your practice. The reason you want to buy them is because their marketing is on point and they know you’re feeling vulnerable and desperate. Take a breath and walk away before purchasing. Think it through. Pursue the trainings that will give you a deeper well of knowledge and skills, but please don’t expect them to be a magic pill that will suddenly give you an internal sense of self-confidence and self-efficacy. That can only come from within.
Be discerning in what you invest your time and money in—this means do it wisely and with intention, rather than throwing your money at whatever you think is going to take away your feelings of incompetence or fear.
Nobody benefits from you being a martyr—not in this field, not elsewhere. Even the people who “benefit” from your martyrdom—like the clients who get exception to your cancellation policy because you feel bad, or the clients who are allowed to build up a significant balance on their account because you’re nervous about bringing it up—do not actually benefit in the long term. You definitely don’t benefit, either. Try to be mindful of when this is happening and give yourself a gentle redirect. Recruit help if needed.
Sometimes, work just isn’t that important, and the people in your life don’t care as much as you. It’s okay. Do what you need to do to take care of your clients & business, and then let it go for a while. Despite how you may feel, it’s actually okay to leave your work at work and to be a human in your own life.
On that note, be a human in your own life. Show up in your own life the way you show up in your clients lives. If you’re missing out on building relationships with friends and family because you’re over-extending yourself at work, just know that you are effectively choosing to prioritize other people over yourself and your family. I’ve done it, and to be frank, it sucks when you have the first realization.
If you hate your job or the caseload is ridiculous or the hours are too intense, don’t kid yourself into believing that there is no other option out there. Unless you literally live in the middle of the desert or forest where there is one single service provider for 100s of miles, and you’re not able or willing to provide services online, there’s a high likelihood that there is some other employer you can work with—or, if you’re able, you can choose to work for yourself. You have choices. They may not be unicorns and rainbows, but they are choices nonetheless.
On that note, 99% of the time, you have a choice in how your career goes. There will be things beyond your control. People will do things you don’t like, or that feel hurtful, unethical, or opposite of what you would do. Business will make decisions you disagree with. But there are many, many things that you get to choose as you move through your career—everything from where you work, whether you stay or quit, where you go next, how much you charge in your practice, what your specialty is, whether you remain in the field or leave. Other people will make their own choices, as they should—that doesn’t mean you can’t make your own choices, too.
There are parts of this work that are serious—but not all parts are serious, and it’s okay to have fun, to laugh at yourself, and to find lightness in the work.
Try not to take yourself too seriously, either. It can be off-putting (not just to clients) and probably doesn’t feel too good after a while.
Mostly, what I hope most is that you’re able to keep your view of the world broad and your mind open. Being in this field will have you drawing some fairly sharp conclusions about how the world works. Not all of those conclusions will be true or necessarily helpful for you. At best, you get some things wrong and make assumptions—at worst, you close yourself off to things before ever giving them a chance to change your life. Your mind is a beautiful thing. Remain curious, open, and full of wonder, and do what you can to maintain a willingness to be wrong in the most surprising and delightful ways.